when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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