i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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