I should be sponsored by Trojan
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Randomize
