Champagne is a vitamin, right?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
