I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
