the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
