1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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