She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
