I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
