My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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