i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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