Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
