You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
