You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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