you mean i was at the winter classic?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
