You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
