dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
