I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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