I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
