new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
