fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
