The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize