Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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