$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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