His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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