so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
