The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
