my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
