Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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