Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Houston, we have a squirter
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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