Only a mothe r could love this liver
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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