So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
