there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
