Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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