The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
