when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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