if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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