Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
