she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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