Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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