We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
