Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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