Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
