i jhust puked up my retainher.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
