ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
