Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I just forgot I was standing up.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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