The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
