It's Friday. Sex?
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
