Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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