; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
