What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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