watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
If I die, sorry about rent.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Randomize
