I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
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