Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Randomize
