got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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