Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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