I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
